The body is back

The body is very much back. You know, those leotard things? All-in-ones. Underwear as outerwear. With poppers.

Sadly, things have changed since the 70’s/80’s. There is a fundamental, contemporary issue that makes wearing ‘the body’ as an every day item, tricky. High-waisted trousers are all well and good for those who can carry them off (Simon Cowell?), but for those mere mortals with pair-upon-pair of low rise jeans in their trouser drawer, there is a fashion conundrum afoot.

Pair a body with your sexy hipsters and you’ll be greeted with triangular glimpses of bare flesh on either hip, so far away from attractive they can’t even see attractive on the horizon. No one, believe me, no one wants to see this. How slim you are is irrelevant; just like misguided women who have been convincing themselves for years that a glimpse of bum crack is all right as long as you’re wearing a thong (thong thong thong thong), no amount of accessorising or exercising can forgive two unnecessary, exposed patches of love handle.

Then there are the original issues to contend with; do you wear them with underwear? My answer; hell yeah (unless you enjoy rocking a look where your breasts evaporate, Kids from Fame stylee, with your nipples on show like a pair of proud Maltesers). Sadly, this means that the less spare flesh you have the better, or problems with unsightly bulges under the bra strap abound. The body is tres unforgiving.

Do you wear them under or over your tights? I do love Batman, but this is fashion, not a fancy dress competition. And, unless you really are committed to ‘popping’ every time you need a wee….

which leads us nicely on to…

…what do you do when you go to the toilet? Pop your poppers, or hoy to the side – the decision is yours (but even with the best intentions, here’s £50 that after a few lager and limes you’ll be ‘drawing the curtain’ with the best of them).

On the plus side, bodies teamed with the right bottoms look good – and (believe it or not, considering the paragraph above) have sex appeal.

Team your basic body from Topshop with a high-waist skirt, pop a cropped statement jacket over the top, and you really are talking.

The kind of body I can get with:

Written by Johanna Payton